It's enough to make you crazy.
I was in the midst of beating myself up for all of those things when my wise husband said, calmly sipping his margarita, "What's wrong with you?" Oh, please........ if only we had enough time to go over the list! But I just said, "I don't know. I feel weird. Like - dissatisfied." Then he laughed at me and said, "Yeah... so what? Don't you know that you will never be satisfied? You're not SUPPOSED to be satisfied. Ever. Because the world is not our ultimate satisfaction. We will be unsatisfied to the very end." Silence. For some reason, that was like a really profound idea for me at that moment. I think I knew that in my heart, but it certainly has not been real to me lately. Of COURSE I'm not satisfied. I could (and will) dwell forever on what is missing because what is missing is Jesus. We can gain satisfaction by growing closer to him in life, but we will never really have our longings fulfilled until we are with him.
My friend Kristen wrote on her blog today about the "smoke and mirrors" of the world. That we are constantly lured by everything under the sun, thinking it will satisfy us, but it NEVER DOES. And we keep going back, like crazy people! Brent & I talked about a few standout examples of this principle: people who have "everything" but really have nothing. People who have all the world has to offer but are still unsatisfied. It makes total sense. So after that conversation, I still have nagging longings and thoughts about how I need to be "better", but I'm trying to make peace with that little voice and channel it into a longing for GOD instead of, say, furniture.
In a somewhat related decision, I decided to take today off of work. I told myself that I needed a day to "get it together". Ha... yeah right! Don't worry, I realized before it was too late that there was NO way I was going to get my life together in one day, but I still decided to take a day off, just to rest my weary mind. All in all, it was an uneventful day, but I felt a calm and a peace and didn't long for anything except a day of rest. Here are the things I'm grateful for today:
- Waking up at 8:00 instead of 5:30
- Starbucks skinny caramel latte
- Driving in silence - I hate morning radio
- Going to the Nutcracker Market, looking at everything, and buying nothing. And that being OK.
- A fantastic mother-in-law
- A nap on the couch
- A long evening walk with the best dog in the world
- New songs on the ipod shuffle (I'm significantly behind the curve, but I am seriously jamming to Pussycat Dolls & Miley Cyrus. Yeah, I said it.)
- Listening to Christmas music right now as I type this (even though it's not after Thanksgiving yet... you can't make me stop.)
- Fajitas on Friday night
I will continue to pray that you and I will not be fooled by the smoke and mirrors of the world. That we would enjoy the great things in our lives, but not try too hard to get it all together or get more stuff. Here's to trying...!