Through the Fire

I'm currently in a Bible study with wives of business school students. I love being able to have community with them and share similar struggles and highlights. We are doing a Beth Moore study on Daniel, which seems like a strange choice, but it has been AMAZING. Last night we studied Daniel 3, and it just overwhelmed me. God's word is so rich and full of application for us, even in the Old Testament!

You've probably heard the story of Daniel 3. I know I last thought about it in Sunday school as a kid, and I'm pretty sure there was a song about it. It's a good story, but it didn't really sink in with me until yesterday.  I was thinking maybe it's the same with you, so I wanted to share. It's the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego escaping the fiery furnace. You should really go read Daniel 3 for yourself here, but I'll give you the basic overview:

King Nebuchadnezzar (king of Babylon) has a 90 foot high golden statue made and orders all of Babylon to fall down and worship the statue. Anyone who does not bow down and worship the statue will be thrown into the fiery furnace, already raging. At the king's command, every person in Babylon from the lowliest citizen to the highest official bows down to the statue - except for three men of God - Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. They refuse to bow down. Nebuchadnezzar gives them a second chance, but they boldly proclaim that they will NEVER bow down. They proclaim that their God is able to deliver them from the furnace, but even if He doesn't, they still won't bow down. Infuriated, the king orders the fires to be heated 7 times hotter, has the three men tied up, and orders them thrown into the fire. The fire is so hot that the soldiers who throw them in are immediately burned to death. Once Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego are in the furnace, the crowd notices something disturbing - they see four men walking around in the fire. Sure enough, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego plus a fourth man are walking around, unharmed and unbound in the fire. The fourth person turns out to be the son of God - a preincarnate Jesus, right there in the fire with them. A terribly frightened king calls the men out of the furnace. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego emerge completely unharmed - nothing has been singed or burned except their bonds. The Bible even says they did not even smell like smoke. And King Nebuchadnezzar believed and praised God and declared that everyone in Babylon should praise God. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego are promoted in the kingdom and are never mentioned again.

Take-Away 1: I don't want to bow down.
I can think of so many things in our culture that everyone bows down to - money, fame, celebrities, beauty, power, jobs ... the list goes on. Even if everyone else around me is bowing down, I want to actively resist the things of this world that can so easily defile. That image of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego standing tall while everyone else had their face to the ground worshipping an idol is seared in my mind. Let that be me standing, Lord. Let me care more about your fame than about what other people think. In the passage, the king's men say of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "They neither serve your gods nor worship the image of gold you have set up." (v. 11) Oh Lord, let that be said of me!

Take-Away 2: I want faith like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.
In the study, Beth challenged us to really wrap our minds around what was going on there. These three men resisted the king on principle. They refused to conform to the culture and blaspheme God. But at what cost? The cost was DEATH. Immediate, certain, painful death. And yet they did not waver. Even when given a second chance, they boldly stood up and declared their faith, no matter the cost.  They could have "pretended" to bow down or rationalized why they were going along with everyone else.  But they didn't. They expressed certainty that God was ABLE to save them, but also acknowledged that he might choose not to save them. Either way, they weren't going to break. They said, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (v. 17-18) Do I have faith like that?

Take-Away 3: God doesn't always deliver us from the fire.
I'm sure that the three men hoped God would completely deliver them from the fire. Maybe they wished the fire would just go out. But it didn't. They were bound and they were thrown IN THE FIRE. Although God didn't deliver them FROM the fire, he delivered them THROUGH the fire. This speaks to my heart so clearly. Often, we wish for God to take away our trials. But we are guaranteed trials as Christians. It's a certainty. Often, God will have us go into the fire and he will bring us through it. When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego emerged from the fire, "They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them." (v. 27) This brings tears to my eyes. They were IN the fire, but they were not harmed. They didn't even smell like smoke. I believe that God does this all the time with situations in our lives. And guess what Beth pointed out: What was the ONLY thing that burned up? Their bonds - the ropes that had held them captive. What if we come out the other side of the fire FREER than we were before? There is one more option - it's possible that God will not deliver us from or even through the fire. It's possible that the fire will consume us. But we will be consumed for God's glory and it will be because of his great love and sovereign plan for us. I want to remember that we should always pray to be delivered from the fire because God can deliver us. But sometimes we will be delivered through the fire or not delivered at all. God's will be done.

Take-Away 4: God is with us in the fire.
One of the most amazing parts of this story and one that I think I missed as a kid is that THREE men went into the fire, but FOUR men were walking around in there, unharmed. It was so troubling that the king and his men started to freak out a little bit. The king says, "“Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.” (v. 25) Well he looked like a son of the gods because he WAS the son of God. Many scholars believe that the pre-incarnate Christ himself was in the fire with them. God was so gracious to give us this picture. Yes, he allowed them to be thrown into the fire, but HE WAS WITH THEM. Literally! When we are in the fire, God is literally with us. Weather he brings me around the fire, takes me through the fire, or consumes me in the fire, he will be with me.

Take-Away 5: I want to live for God's fame.
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were so bold with their faith that their faith spurred a ruthless king and pagan kingdom to praise God. These three men are never heard of again in the Bible... but what better way to go out than proclaiming the Lord and living for his fame? Talk about lives well lived!

Dainel.  Good stuff.  Check it out.

Roots

Hello blogger friends... I hope you still check my blog even though I've been MIA. Sorry about that. Let's just say this is the first time in about a month I've had ten minutes to do something "extra" like blog. I left NYC on July 29th after lots of late night paper writing and reading. I flew to Durham for 24 hours... just enough time to unpack, do laundry, and re-pack. Then I flew to Houston for my first week of work with teachers who came back August 1st. Although I was excited about seeing everyone, I was exhausted. I kind of wanted to curl up in bed and wish all of my responsibilities away. Alas, that was not an option. To Houston I went.

Let me just preface by saying that I have not really missed Houston. I mean, Houston is great and everything... but seeing North Carolina has given me a whole new perspective. Were you to ask me if I missed Texas, I would have said I miss our families and I miss Mexican food, but that's about it. Weather? No thanks. The city of Humble? Not so much. Traffic? I can do without it. You get the picture. So I was thinking I would go to Houston, put my nose to the grindstone, get it done, and think the whole time about coming back to my true love - NC. Well it didn't really happen that way.

On Monday morning, I got up super early, hopped in the 1995 white Mercury with blue leather interior (borrowed from my in-laws for the week), and headed up 59 to begin my week of work. Monday was going to be a work day for me to prepare for all the PD I was giving during the week, so I chose to work at the North Central campus... my home for the last 5 years. It was so strange because I had been gone for months, and my mind knew that I had completely moved across the country, but for all intents and purposes, it felt like a normal day. As I got off the Hardy Toll Road and went down Aldine Westfield, I saw the things I've seen every day for five years. I saw the Iglesia Cristiana, a random wild dog, the Taqueria Lupita, the billboard for "Planos y Permisos", the good old Aldine ISD "Compass" school, and my favorite longhorn steer across the street from YES Prep NC. Yep, definitely back in Texas, I thought. I pulled into the familiar parking lot feeling nothing was the same, yet everything was the same. I pulled into my normal parking spot when it happened.

As soon as I put the car in park, a wave of emotion passed over me. It was one of those feelings that began in the pit of my stomach, tightened my throat, and before you knew it, I was crying. Like many, many tears spilling down my face uncontrollably and unexpectedly. I really am not sure where the emotion came from or why I was crying - I wasn't necessarily sad or happy, but maybe weird combo of both. Or maybe I was just exhausted.

Instead of jumping out of the car, I sat for a few minutes and cried and thought. I was mourning my old job and my old life. I'm not really a teacher at any campus anymore. I'm not going to have a room full of seventh graders. My friendships won't be the same since I won't see people everyday. But then with the sadness, there was a sense of gratitude and awe and even joy that my life has changed so much, but I am still a "YES Prep person" and still have an amazing job. I sat there and remembered the first time I pulled up to the YES Prep warehouse seven years ago in the Fifth Ward. Since then, YES has been woven into the very fabric of who I am and what I do. And it feels good. Praise God for letting me stay connected even from afar. I know that Houston and YES will always be my home. I realize just how deep my roots are in Texas, swirling and twisting and encircling people and places and memories that make up "me". They anchor me.

When I finished crying, I took a deep breath and went inside. It felt great. It was a wonderful week. So good to see everyone. We welcomed a TON of new teachers to our ELA team - lots of Aggies - class of '11. I mean, are you kidding me?! So young! We have 70 teachers on the middle school ELA team this year, so there will be no shortage of work to do to support everyone. My team & I worked really hard over the summer, and that work paid off and resulted in a fantastic first week back.

Yes, North Carolina has (many) perks, but my roots are in Texas, and it will always be home.

Anthem For Christmas

Today I was driving along, listening to KSBJ Christmas music on the radio, and I heard the beginning of this Michael W. Smith song "Anthem for Christmas". I thought, "I love this song!", and I turned it up loud. It has a beautiful instrumental beginning and is really a great song.

But as I drove down I-10 to check on my friend's cat today, I heard it with fresh ears. The words sank right into my soul, and it literally took my breath away. Tears started streaming down my face involuntarily as I felt the most immense gratitude to God for sending Jesus to Earth as a baby and our savior. Of course I know the Christmas story, and I have heard it countless times in countless ways, but something about this particular song today overwhelmed me. It was like understanding Christmas anew. Now... it will come as no surprise to you that I'm a total sucker for an old-school Michael W. Smith ballad, but I think there's something special about this one. If you need a reminder of how glorious and loving and amazing our God is, take a look and listen to this.

In the space of the beginning

Was the living word of light.

When this word was clearly spoken

All that came to be was right.

All creation had a language

Words to say what must be said.

All day long the heavens whispered

Signing words in scarlet red.

Some have failed to understand it

So God spoke his final word.

On a silent night in Judah's hills

A baby's cry was heard.

"Glory!" sang the angel chorus

"Glory!" echoed back the night.

Love has come to walk among us

Christ the Lord is born this night!

All creation sing his praises!

Earth and heaven praise his name!

All who live come join the chorus

Find the words his love proclaim.

The entire story of the world is encapsulated in this song, and it centers around Christmas. In the beginning was God, and he made the world perfectly. People brought sin into the world and ignored God even though all creation pointed to Him and heaven whispered day and night. God's people turned away from him in disbelief over and over again. I'm studying Exodus right now, and it is so amazing to read about the Israelites who were just like us. God protected them and provided for them and met with them and STILL they did not believe and grumbled against God, wanting to do things their own way. Even though people did not understand God's love, he loved us anyway. The words written in "scarlet" were the prophecies throughout history that Jesus was coming - that we needed a savior - that history would be made perfect through the birth of our Lord. But people still did not understand and still turned away.

The part of the song that really makes me cry is: "So God spoke his final word." ...And it wasn't a word of condemnation, but a word of love. God's final word was sending his own son to Earth as a man to save us. What a precious, beautiful, miraculous thing - I can hardly wrap my mind around it. There's another fantastic Christmas song by Joy Williams called "Here with Us". One of the lyrics is: "It's still a mystery to me that the hands of God could be so small. How tiny fingers reaching in the night were the very hands that measured the sky." Praise God for that mystery! Praise God for coming to walk among us in our messy, complicated world to save an ungrateful people. This should fill us with a peace and gratitude that never escapes our minds.

How I wish I could have seen the angels singing "Glory!" around the baby Jesus. How I want my whole life to be spent praising his name - joining the angel chorus and finding words to proclaim his love. I know my heart is full of love and gratitude for our savior on this Christmas Eve's Eve. If you need a reminder of what God has done for us, download "Anthem for Christmas" or listen below. Disregard the cheesy snow & rainbow picture. Turn it up, close your eyes, and praise God. He is good.

Christmas Traditions Old and New

We are currently in a stage of life where we are "in between" traditions. We don't still celebrate the Christmases of our childhoods, but we don't yet have our own kids and traditions. It's kind of a cool time because Christmas can be anything we want it to be. I am excited about making our own traditions while building off traditions we already have.
Every Christmas as I get a little older, I think a little more about how we can really honor Christ at Christmas and reject the world's notion of Christmas. I went on a small rant about that last year here. This year, one of our couple friends from church have two small children - a baby and toddler. They posted on Facebook about two somewhat radical decisions they are making for their family's Christmases.

The first decision is that they were not going to do "Santa" with their kids. All Christmas gifts will be from "Mom and Dad". There will be no pictures with Santa or leaving cookies out on Christmas Eve. At first, I bristled at this idea - No Santa?! But then Brent and I started talking about it, and it began to make more sense - even GOOD sense. Think about it - our culture has focused a HUGE amount of attention at Christmas on a made up, fake, magical being who represents materialism. On the other hand, Jesus is a real, miraculous SAVIOR of the world. It begs the question: Why is Santa more appealing than Jesus and how have we let this happen? Santa, as harmless and jolly as he may seem, has succeeded in almost completely distracting America from JESUS - the whole point of Christmas and life, for that matter. Of course their kids are going to hear about Santa from friends, TV, the mall, books, songs, even Christian radio! So I guess they will have to explain the Santa phenomenon to the kids at some point, but just de-emphasize it.

The second decision they made is to only give their kids three gifts each Christmas. Their rationale is that the wise men only gave Jesus three gifts. This is also intriguing to me. Let's just say giving gifts is NOT my love language. I've never really understood the whole gift thing, which I know is heresy to some people... so sorry. I think the last present Brent & I gave each other was at our wedding. But I do like the idea of giving gifts with restraint. I know there's a fine line of legalism here, and I'm not sure that three gifts is the magic number, but I kind of like it. I'm sure that will be an uphill battle with their kids as they get older and realize that other kids get 30+ presents for Christmas. But I have to say that I applaud them for it. It's things like this that distinguish Christians from the rest of our culture. Because if we just go along with the cultural Christmas like everyone else... how are we different? How are we in this world but not of it? Food for thought. I'm eager to hear your opinions. Discuss amongst yourselves and in the comment section :-)

Anyway... their story has made me pause and think about what traditions I want for my family this year and in the years to come. Here are some we currently enjoy and some we'd like to start in the future.

Decorating the tree the day after Thanksgiving

It's hard enough for me to wait until then! I love coming home from Thanksgiving, getting down all the decorations, and going to town. I want to enjoy my tree and decorations as long as I possibly can! I take down the tree on January 2nd. I also love to have at least one night where I just sit in silence, drink something warm, and stare at the tree. Here is our tree this year and some of our favorite ornaments! The glitter and yarn creation is an ornament I made in preschool.

Serving Together

I grew up serving at nursing homes every Christmas. Middle school through college, you could find my friends and I singing at nursing homes in December. Now, I bring my seventh graders to the nursing home at Christmas to sing. Warms my heart! (You can read more here.) I hope that we raise our children connecting Christmas and service and that we can find a service project that our family loves and make that our tradition.
Watching Christmas Vacation

This has absolutely no connection to Christ except that I think God wants us to laugh sometimes. Every year, Brent and I MUST watch Christmas Vacation at least once. It NEVER gets old. Favorite lines:

"Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised."

"Grace? oooh... she passed away thirty years ago." "No. They want you to say GRACE. The BLE-SS-ING." "Oh. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America."

Reading "Mr. Edwards Meets Santa Claus"

This is one of my quirky personal traditions. My mom always had this Norman Rockwell Christmas book out on the coffee table at Christmas. The book has an excerpt from one of the "Little House on the Prairie" books I loved as a kid: Farmer Boy. The chapter is called "Mr. Edwards Meets Santa Claus" and it is just the sweetest, simplest, most wonderful Christmas story ever.

Here's the recap: The prairie was flooded, so the children were worried that Santa would not come to their house. Their bachelor friend, Mr. Edwards, saved the day by fording the river and bringing the family presents. The children each receive a tin cup, a stick of peppermint candy, a bite-sized white-flour cake, and a shiny penny, and it is the BEST CHRISTMAS THEY HAVE EVER HAD. It makes me tear up every time. If only we were so grateful and life was so simple. I read it every single year and now make Brent listen to it too :-)

Christmas Eve Dinner and Church

This is a tradition that I want to continue but make my own. Both of our families always eat the same dinner each Christmas Eve before heading out to church. My mom's dinner is a homemade beef stew. Brent's family has beef tenderloin. I love the idea of having a tradition of what you eat on Christmas Eve. I'm still trying to figure out what I want my tradition to be, but I've heard a lot on Food Network lately about big Italian seafood dinners on Christmas Eve. Maybe something that includes this:

Pajamas on Christmas Eve

Brent and I both like to open presents on Christmas morning. However, I love the tradition of giving one gift on Christmas Eve, and I always want it to be a new pair of pajamas. So that way you have something new and cozy to sleep in and you'll look cute the next morning while opening presents. This will be so fun with kids.

Spice Crackers

My mom always makes her famous "spice crackers" at Christmas. We only get them at Christmas, so that makes them special. They are spiced, baked oyster crackers. I'm going to make them this weekend, so I'll post the recipe!

What are your traditions? I'm in the market for some, so I may steal them :-) What do you think about cultural v. counter-cultural Christmas traditions?

Psalm 139

I had a rough day today, and when I finally got home and into my comfy chair in the study, I flipped open my Bible and immediately turned to Psalm 139. It's my favorite Psalm these days. I've underlined the heck out of it and read it over and over, and it always has a fresh word for me no matter what I'm facing. When I feel conflicted and full of turmoil, this Psalm comforts me. For the sake of space, I'm going to focus on verses 1-18.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord."
Sometimes I look back over my day and I replay every action, conversation, and email, and I beat myself up for not doing it as well as I could have. I try to think how I would have done it differently and how I failed at this and what people are going to think and how I'm going to do better next time. What a comfort and relief it is to know that God knows all that is within me - the good, bad, and very, very ugly - and he has not left me yet. My co-workers may look down on me if I drop the ball, and people in my life may think less of me when I mess up, but God knows everything I have done in a day - including every word and thought and movement, and he still loves me.

You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty to attain.
This is probably my favorite part. I'm someone who loves comfort, who used to be tucked into my bed each night by my parents. What a wonderful image of our God who goes behind us and before us and tucks us in-between since we can not be trusted to go off on our own. Thankfully, he will never leave us. He will always prepare a way for us and then follow behind to help us, comfort us, and clean up our messes. This part of the Psalm became very real for me last week when I went to Detroit, Michigan for four days to train a team of English teachers at a school there. How I got there is completely God's doing - he orchestrated connections and relationships in my life that have taken me places I never thought I'd go. As I looked out my hotel window in Detroit across the river to Canada, I marveled at how I had gotten there solely by God's doing. It became clear that God had gone before me even there in Michigan. The whole trip felt right, as if it were all planned out before I came to be, which I know is true. I loved the teachers and administration, and the training went smoothly. They are even opening a "YES" school there which I was unaware of - I visited and it was like walking into my school in Houston - exactly the same. How marvelous is our God. I would never think to ask or even imagine that God would put a YES school in Michigan and then send me there, but he did it all the same.

Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from you presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
Weather I wander physically all over the country or mentally when Satan makes me despair, God is with me. There is NO WHERE I can go where he will not be. What a wonderful thought to have every day of my life.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me", even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
What seems like the darkest situation to me is light to God. There is NOTHING he can't handle - he's teaching me to go to him with the littlest requests for my job all the way to major life decisions. How comforting that even the evil of this world can be used for good because it it is all light to God.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; you works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.
If I feel guilty that I didn't workout or I ate an extra helping of dinner or realize I will NEVER look like the girl on the cover of Shape magazine, it doesn't matter. God has made me exactly how he wanted to make me, and nothing I can do (or NOT do) can change that.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
The beauty of this verse almost leaves me breathless. Nothing I can do will thwart God's plan for my life. God has planned works in advance for me to do. All I have to do is walk in his word.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
This is the part of the psalm that fills my eyes with tears every time. The creator of the universe, the holy Lord of all the Earth thinks of ME more times than there are grains of sand. This brings a great satisfaction to my soul that I can hardly express. So maybe I got a negative comment on a survey about my work or maybe I'm not recognized for something I do, or maybe I feel lonely, or maybe I totally messed up and I want to hide. None of that matters because no matter what I've done, God thinks of me and he loves me. And when tomorrow comes, his mercies will be new and I will still be with him.

I praise you, Lord, for your wonderful, beautiful, and true word.

If you haven't checked out Psalm 139, I highly recommend it. It's a good one :-)

Alpha and Omega

Hi. I'm Katie. I hate change. I love comfort. Nice to meet you.

I'm feeling uneasy today. Today is my last day at home for a while. Tomorrow I leave for three weeks at Columbia to take some masters classes. While I am deep down excited to live in NY for a bit and further my education, the nervous/homebody part of me often wins. I know that in the Christian life, God certainly does not call us to comfort. This is a hard truth for me to swallow because I love my home, my routine, my coffee, my puppy, my nightly bath, my TV shows - in short - I LOVE comfort.

This summer I've been preparing to go to Columbia while keeping up with my work for YES, and there are so many details that I have fretted about. I lie awake at night, my mind racing with financial aid, housing, travel, reading, registration, tuition fees, and missing the first three weeks of my school year back in Houston. It's enough to keep you up till 2am. In the midst of all this, God has been teaching me through other means that my life is not guaranteed to be the same tomorrow as it is today. Maybe my two years from now or five years from now will not look like I thought they would. This makes me crazy and causes me to demand details of God.

And in making these irrational demands of God, I suddenly understood the error of my requests. Why should I need to know the details of what my life will be like next week or next year or in five years? My demands exposed the weakness in my faith. God already knows, and that is enough. One thing that kept coming to mind as I studied and prayed was that God is Alpha and Omega. He is the first and last, the beginning and the end. If he knows how it all begins and how it all ends, then certainly He knows everything in between. So now as I lie in bed worrying about how I'm going to do it and how everything will come together, I try to change my inner conversation to a prayer asking God to work out all the details and give me peace to go forward confidently even if I don't really know what tomorrow will look like.

Here are some verses that have spoken to me in this period of uncertainty:

Psalm 139:1-5
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

Revelation 1:8
"I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty."

Isaiah 46:10
I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.

Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

Psalm 1:2-3
Blessed is the man whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither.

Ephesians 2:10
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

I will be updating you on my adventures in grad school starting tomorrow...eek! Thanks for your prayers as I make these transitions over next month!

Smoke and Mirrors

Last Friday night, Brent and I were sitting on the couch, watching TV, per our usual Friday night routine, but I was not enjoying "Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives" as much as I normally do. As I thought about my upcoming weekend of work and chores, I was plagued by my perfectionist nagging voice. I was thinking over what exactly is wrong with my life, as I so often do. There is something missing.... what is it? Everything is not "just so", and it drives me nuts. Let's see... I should lose ten pounds. Do better at my job. Spend less time working. Be a better wife. Get more friends. Have a baby. Get another dog. Spend more time at home. Spend less time at home. Read more. Pray more. Be more involved in church. Volunteer more. Talk to family more. Blog more. Rest more. Get more furniture. Get more clothes. Paint the bedroom. Go to more social events. Get more couple friends. Decorate my half empty house. I mean, look at all these people in my neighborhood/school/family/city... they have it all!!!

It's enough to make you crazy.

I was in the midst of beating myself up for all of those things when my wise husband said, calmly sipping his margarita, "What's wrong with you?" Oh, please........ if only we had enough time to go over the list! But I just said, "I don't know. I feel weird. Like - dissatisfied." Then he laughed at me and said, "Yeah... so what? Don't you know that you will never be satisfied? You're not SUPPOSED to be satisfied. Ever. Because the world is not our ultimate satisfaction. We will be unsatisfied to the very end." Silence. For some reason, that was like a really profound idea for me at that moment. I think I knew that in my heart, but it certainly has not been real to me lately. Of COURSE I'm not satisfied. I could (and will) dwell forever on what is missing because what is missing is Jesus. We can gain satisfaction by growing closer to him in life, but we will never really have our longings fulfilled until we are with him.

My friend Kristen wrote on her blog today about the "smoke and mirrors" of the world. That we are constantly lured by everything under the sun, thinking it will satisfy us, but it NEVER DOES. And we keep going back, like crazy people! Brent & I talked about a few standout examples of this principle: people who have "everything" but really have nothing. People who have all the world has to offer but are still unsatisfied. It makes total sense. So after that conversation, I still have nagging longings and thoughts about how I need to be "better", but I'm trying to make peace with that little voice and channel it into a longing for GOD instead of, say, furniture.

In a somewhat related decision, I decided to take today off of work. I told myself that I needed a day to "get it together". Ha... yeah right! Don't worry, I realized before it was too late that there was NO way I was going to get my life together in one day, but I still decided to take a day off, just to rest my weary mind. All in all, it was an uneventful day, but I felt a calm and a peace and didn't long for anything except a day of rest. Here are the things I'm grateful for today:

• Waking up at 8:00 instead of 5:30
• Starbucks skinny caramel latte
• Driving in silence - I hate morning radio
• Going to the Nutcracker Market, looking at everything, and buying nothing. And that being OK.
• A fantastic mother-in-law
• A nap on the couch
• A long evening walk with the best dog in the world
• New songs on the ipod shuffle (I'm significantly behind the curve, but I am seriously jamming to Pussycat Dolls & Miley Cyrus. Yeah, I said it.)
• Listening to Christmas music right now as I type this (even though it's not after Thanksgiving yet... you can't make me stop.)
• Fajitas on Friday night

I will continue to pray that you and I will not be fooled by the smoke and mirrors of the world. That we would enjoy the great things in our lives, but not try too hard to get it all together or get more stuff. Here's to trying...!

Full Circle

Have you ever had a full circle moment? I haven't lived a lot of life, but I have been lucky enough to have several full circle moments. A full circle moment, for me, is a moment where you have a beautiful, satisfying sense of completeness. It's when things literally come "full circle". You're back where you started from, but somehow it's way, way better. Full circle moments have a wonderful complexity that only God can orchestrate. They cause me to think back and be in awe of what God has done.

When I have a full circle moment, there are two thoughts in my head simultaneously: (1) NO WAY this is actually happening to me. (2) Thank you, thank you, thank you Lord.

I've been lucky enough to have several full circle moments lately, so here are some examples.

Full Circle #1: Six years ago, I graduated from college and made a crazy decision to move to Houston, get certified, and teach in the inner city. I had NO IDEA what I was doing. I repeat: NO IDEA. I hope I didn't do any irreparable harm to the kids in my class that first year. I SUCKED. But, something kept me going, and I loved learning about teaching. A few months ago, I sat in a huge ballroom and won a somewhat prestigious teaching award for the City of Houston. Pretty sure that was not my doing.

Full Circle #2: As a senior in college, I put on my horrible black suit and walked up and down the business career fair with sweaty palms and resumes in a leather portfolio. I talked to the recruiters and thought I would never get a job, much less get to where they were. One month ago, I got to stand BEHIND those very career center tables, but this time, I was recruiting for YES. I got to encourage the very people who were me not that long ago.

Full Circle #3 happened just last week. First, the background: When I was in middle and high school, I was in choir. I had some visionary choir directors who started a great tradition. Every year, we had a Christmas party. But before the party, we always went to a local nursing home to sing carols to the residents. I started looking forward to the nursing home more than the party! I don't think it's my life calling or anything, but I really enjoy working in nursing homes. After high school, I started a small ministry in Dallas where my friends and I sang at about 7 nursing homes each year before Christmas. After college, I got busy and never really did it again. Fast forward to now. At YES, kids are required to do a certain number of community service hours. We actually take a school day each six weeks to have kids do service. This year, each teacher is sponsoring a project that they are passionate about. We then take a small group of kids with us to do service. For me, the natural choice seemed to be a nursing home.

Last Wednesday was our first service day. I was REALLY nervous about bringing 30 seventh graders to a nursing home. I had all kinds of disaster scenarios running through my head. I tried to prepare them the best I could, but I kept my expectations reasonable. My teaching partner, who knows me well, said to me that morning, "You're going to cry today." I adamantly denied that prediction. Once we got to the nursing home, the kids just did beautifully. I could not believe that the very same kids who made me want to tear my hair out the day before were treating elderly people with such compassion and patience. THEY TOTALLY GOT IT. We played games, passed out cards, and talked with residents. All was going well, and I was holding it together. Until... they passed out songbooks. The activity director was like, "Oh, we love to sing here! We have a sing-along every day. Would your kids want to sing with us?" Do we want to sing with you???? Um..... yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!! I took one look at our kids holding songbooks for elderly people and singing songs, and I completely lost it. I suddenly had a full circle moment, and the tears rolled. My teaching partner laughed and said, "Told you so!" but they were such happy tears.

The kids are so excited to go back next month, and now have tons of ideas about what we can do for the residents. Thank you, thank you, thank you Lord! The way you orchestrate things in life is beyond my comprehension, but I am so grateful.

Now TELL ME these pictures don't melt your heart just a little bit.

Look at the picture below and take a guess as to the lady's former profession. You guessed it: Music teacher. You can't make this stuff up.

Nails

Oh, things have been crazy. I'll let you know where I've been and what I've been up to at some point soon. For now, I have a few thoughts on nails. I've been randomly thinking a lot about nails lately, culminating in one of the coolest things I've ever heard. Here are my thoughts on nails:

• They built the amazing house I now live in. I LOVE this house, and I love that it is ours. I also love the hard work, time, and love Brent put into buying this house for me.
• They hang things on the walls of this house that make it more than just a house. Things on the walls make the house feel like Brent and Katie's home. And it couldn't be anyone else's.
• They made the cross that my savior was killed upon. They held together God's plan for my salvation that I need so desperately.
• They held my savior's hands and feet to the cross to complete the work that I couldn't do myself. They inflicted the pain that I will never have to bear. Lately I've been needing to be reminded of this fact again and again - that I am forgiven and free.

So amid all these thoughts of nails, we had a meeting after school on Wednesday that included (randomly enough) nails. At YES, we do something crazy called home visits. That means that we personally visit the home of every single student who will come to our school next year. This is mostly incoming sixth and ninth graders. Every teacher at our school is responsible for visiting about six homes after school and on weekends. It sounds like a huge pain, but it has always been one of my favorite things we do. I mean, who does that?? So every year we get a packet with the list of kids we are supposed to visit. On the visit, we answer questions about YES, go over logistics, and have the parent and student sign our contract committing to our school and everything that goes with it. Most parents greet us in their church clothes with some sort of food set out. It's a big occasion. One time, I arrived at a home to find that the family had photocopied their son's acceptance letter (acceptance is by lottery) and literally wallpapered their living room with it.

Anyway, this year we found a ziplock bag full of nails painted orange and blue (our school colors) in our home visit folders. I was intrigued. Nails? At a home visit? Our school director went on to explain what the nails were for. At the end of each home visit (with eleven year olds!), we are to give each family two nails - one blue and one orange. These nails could be tucked away in a dresser drawer for six years, or, better yet, nailed prominently into the wall of the family's home. What are they for? One is for the student's high school diploma, and the other is for their college diploma. Goosebumps? YES. That's the kind of thing that makes me want to get up tomorrow.

Loving Dogs and Loving Jesus

It’s no secret that I am obsessed with my dog. If this is any indication of how I will feel about my children, watch out.

My views on dogs were further solidified a few days ago when I watched “Marley and Me” at the theater. If you know anything about me, you know that movies are not my thing. Maybe I have ADD or something, but I just have never enjoyed watching movies. If I do choose to watch a movie, I only like comedies and kid movies because I cannot for the life of me understand why someone would CHOOSE or even PAY to feel sad, scared, or depressed. Anyway, I haven’t been to a theater in about two years, but the family decided to go see “Marley and Me”. I was immediately suspicious – sure, it looked funny in the commercials, but I know that story, and I know the dog dies. Thinking about dogs dying is really upsetting to me. I can’t deal. Brent assured me that it would be funny. Not so much. I bawled my eyes out for about 45 minutes of the movie and even gave myself a headache from crying so much after the movie. It was super sad. You’ve been warned.

Anyway – although it was sad, the movie was a beautiful picture of how wonderful dogs are and how rich they can make our lives. I cannot adequately describe how much I love Blazer. Blazer makes me a happier, calmer person. I’ve come to the conclusion that anyone would be crazy to not want a dog. If you get the right kind for you, what’s NOT to love? The more I think about why I love Blazer so much, the more I think that loving a dog is a picture of loving Jesus and His love for us. Here’s why:

Dogs have ultimate trust in their masters.
When we tell Blazer we’re going somewhere, his reactions say: “Please take me and please let’s go right now!!” He follows us wherever we decide to take him. He loves some places we take him like Grammy’s, the park, and PetSmart to name a few. But he also does NOT like some of the places we take him like the groomer and the vet. But he goes anyway, and he trusts that we will not take him somewhere that would hurt him. And when we go to pick him up from one of those places he dislikes, he’s so happy to see us again. When we take a walk, we put Blazer on a leash just like any dog owner. We have to be in charge of Blazer so he doesn’t run in the middle of the street because he doesn’t know any better. So he submits and follows us. I’m wondering: are we not the dog and God the master? If God let us go wherever we wanted, wouldn’t we probably run in the middle of the street and hurt ourselves? God’s direction protects us. Maybe we like where he’s taking us, and maybe we don’t, but he’s in charge. Like Blazer, we should not only follow, but be excited about it.

Dogs love unconditionally.
Although I love Blazer a ton, I’m not always the world’s best owner. For example, I have to go to work for about 10 hours each day, and Blazer has to be blocked up in our guest bathroom. I’m sure he gets pretty annoyed by that. But he never holds it against me. When I get home, he is beside himself with excitement and he wants to press against me and lick my face for about ten minutes. He loves me no matter what. He is always glad to see me, always hates to leave me, and wakes up every day loving me just as much as yesterday. Even if I scold him, he loves me immediately after. Are there any people who can really love like a dog? Who can forget faults within seconds and have a constant love that never wavers? I know I don’t have that kind of love very often at all. But I think that is a picture of God’s love for us.

Dogs know how to rest.
According to my calculations, Blazer sleeps about 18 hours a day. He is unfettered by to-do lists, worries, goals to be efficient, and guilt from napping. Oh no – sleeping and resting come easy to him! Now I’m not advocating that Christians sleep 18 hours a day (although it might be nice), but can we learn something from dogs about how to let go? How to free our mind and relax? I constantly struggle to believe Matthew 11:29-30: Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Dogs are easy to forgive.
Blazer is mostly perfect, but he does have his moments. Take, for example, the two times I have come home from work to find Blazer standing in a giant pile of wood chips in his bathroom. (One such time is pictured above.) He had decided to throw a fit for being left all day, and then tried to eat the door one bite at a time. Or maybe the many times when Brent and I suddenly realize we haven’t seen Blazer in a while. That usually means that he’s destroyed an entire roll of toilet paper and decorated our bathroom with the remnants. When this happens, I’m pretty annoyed, because I’m going to have to clean up that mess and pick the splinters out of his mouth. But, I can NOT scold him with a straight face! I seriously laugh in the middle of saying, “NO! Bad dog!” Then I always pick him up for hugs and kisses and tell him I’m sorry and he’s a good dog. I love him so much that I don’t like to be mad at him. He’s so easy to forgive! I wonder if that’s how God feels when he forgives me a million times a day. I can’t fathom that kind of love, but I think I see a small picture of it in my love for Blazer. Even when I do something really terrible, God is not only willing, but eager to forgive me, and it’s not hard for him. It makes him happy.

Dogs live in the moment.
Blazer really loves his Grammy Lemmon and Grammy Norwood. They are seriously two of his favorite people ever. When we know that Blazer will see one of his Grammys in, say, a week, we start getting him hyped up a good three days before. We’ll say things like “Blazer – do you want to see GRAMMY?” Of course Blazer has no sense of time so when we say that, he doesn’t understand that he’s going to see Grammy in a few days. Instead, he runs to the door because Grammy must be here right this very second. Sometimes I think this is more of what we should be like as Christians. Dogs don’t think about the past or fret about the future. They live in the NOW. Isn’t this a good picture of Philippians 3:13-14? Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Or maybe Matthew 6:27: Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

So if you have a dog (and you should), go give (and get) a hug right now. Maybe loving your dog can bring you closer to God.

(Im)perfect

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and all the thinking remains kind of jumbled up in my head. I've been thinking about time, priorities, work, and home. I still really don't know how to explain everything (or anything) in my life, but I think what it all boils down to is my own imperfection. I'm a disciplined perfectionist to the point of being crazy. I can be relentlessly critical of myself and others. However, life lately has been a string of good intentions followed by the REALITY of life's imperfections. Here are some examples:

Intention: I'm not doing ANY more work at home.
Reality: I did it. I didn't work at home on Monday. Alas, I arrived at school on Tuesday late, hurried, unprepared, and a total mess.

Intention: I'm going to come home RIGHT after school gets out.
Reality: The copiers at school all broke down the day before midterms, and I cried at the self-service copier at Kinko's until 9:00 at night.

Intention: I'm going to fix lunch and dinner for my husband every day.
Reality: Didn't get to the grocery store on Sunday, so Brent only got two homemade lunches and dinners this week.

Intention: I'm not going to work at all on the weekend.
Reality: Grades are due Monday. Of course.

Intention: I'm going to have a fun weekend hanging out in College Station at the A&M game with Brent.
Reality: I'm flat on my back in bed, sick and miserable. Maybe God is saying, "ENOUGH"?

I wake up every day hoping to make good on at least some of my intentions, but it never quite seems to work out. I can not possibly please my God, my husband, my boss, my co-workers, my family, my students, and myself all at one time.

It's a good thing that I serve a loving, PERFECT God. His perfection is enough to cover all of my imperfections. Brent & I have been attending a "Growth Group" at our church for three weeks now. I'm encouraged by the name "Growth Group" because apparently I've got a lot of growing to do. In the first few weeks, we've been delving into what God says about his love for us and our salvation through him. I am encouraged that our God loved us enough to die for us even though we were yet sinners. We can never be perfect enough and God loves us anyway. I've been trying to rest in the freedom that my salvation offers. But, as an imperfect person, I constantly want to strive and do things on my own, exhausting myself in the process! As I lay here today, I'm going to watch Food Network, grade papers (have to!), and hopefully rest in God's love for me as an imperfect teacher, wife, and Christian.

Thoughts on Superwoman

She doesn't exist.

I've been MIA this week because I've been living and breathing seventh grade. Summer is officially over and my life has been taken over. I know, I know... it doesn't have to be this way. One should strive to have BALANCE in life. Blah, blah, blah. I've come to the conclusion that you just can't have it all. For example, how EXACTLY am I supposed to fit all of this into one day?

Wake up at 5:00
Shower and get ready
Fix breakfast
Fix lunch for Brent & myself
Check email
Drive 30 min. to school
Make copies
Teach from 7:30 - 4:30 dealing with demanding kids (and adults) all day
Have meetings after school and during school
Leave around 6:00 and drive 30 minutes home
Go to the grocery
Cook dinner
Clean up dinner
Have a quiet time
Play with Blazer
Work out
Clean up the house
Grade papers
Plan Lessons
Answer phone calls from parents and students
Blog
Have quality time with my husband
And maybe, just maybe..... sit down and rest???

Answer: Not possible. I've tried.

The problem is that I REALLY like my work, and I feel like I have a few good years left before having kids of my own (and I realize my daily list will get even longer then!), so I sort of want to give it my all. Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. :-)

On a related note, Brent sent me this article a few weeks ago and I thought it was interesting.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/08/05/lw.nokids.nojob.wives/index.html
If you don't have time to read it, basically, it says that the new "status symbol" is a "stay at home wife". No kids, no job. The lady in the article says she does laundry, does errands, cooks, etc. At first I thought it was ridiculous. Who does that? But I have to say... some days it sounds good!

Here's to Friday. I survived the first week.