Saturday, October 18, 2008

(Im)perfect

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and all the thinking remains kind of jumbled up in my head. I've been thinking about time, priorities, work, and home. I still really don't know how to explain everything (or anything) in my life, but I think what it all boils down to is my own imperfection. I'm a disciplined perfectionist to the point of being crazy. I can be relentlessly critical of myself and others. However, life lately has been a string of good intentions followed by the REALITY of life's imperfections. Here are some examples:

Intention: I'm not doing ANY more work at home.
Reality: I did it. I didn't work at home on Monday. Alas, I arrived at school on Tuesday late, hurried, unprepared, and a total mess.

Intention: I'm going to come home RIGHT after school gets out.
Reality: The copiers at school all broke down the day before midterms, and I cried at the self-service copier at Kinko's until 9:00 at night.

Intention: I'm going to fix lunch and dinner for my husband every day.
Reality: Didn't get to the grocery store on Sunday, so Brent only got two homemade lunches and dinners this week.

Intention: I'm not going to work at all on the weekend.
Reality: Grades are due Monday. Of course.

Intention: I'm going to have a fun weekend hanging out in College Station at the A&M game with Brent.
Reality: I'm flat on my back in bed, sick and miserable. Maybe God is saying, "ENOUGH"?

I wake up every day hoping to make good on at least some of my intentions, but it never quite seems to work out. I can not possibly please my God, my husband, my boss, my co-workers, my family, my students, and myself all at one time.

It's a good thing that I serve a loving, PERFECT God. His perfection is enough to cover all of my imperfections. Brent & I have been attending a "Growth Group" at our church for three weeks now. I'm encouraged by the name "Growth Group" because apparently I've got a lot of growing to do. In the first few weeks, we've been delving into what God says about his love for us and our salvation through him. I am encouraged that our God loved us enough to die for us even though we were yet sinners. We can never be perfect enough and God loves us anyway. I've been trying to rest in the freedom that my salvation offers. But, as an imperfect person, I constantly want to strive and do things on my own, exhausting myself in the process! As I lay here today, I'm going to watch Food Network, grade papers (have to!), and hopefully rest in God's love for me as an imperfect teacher, wife, and Christian.


Katie

1 comment:

Kendra said...

Hey Katie! I feel your pain. I am *constantly* overwhelmed by school, but I can't imagine doing anything else. At the same time, I feel like my house is never clean enough, my grocery list never well-planned enough, and my class never good enough. It's exhausting, but I really think it will get better. Hang in there! I'm sure your husband and your students know how lucky they are to have you around :)

~ Kendra

 
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